So- (back story to the actual story), a few weeks ago I was with some of my wonderful girlfriends, Hilah and Septembre (and later on Nikki), and we were at Washington Square Mall doing some (last-minute) christmas shopping. Having Hilah on board we were somehow bound to wind up in Victoria Secret, where Septembre moseyed through racks and Hilah ping-ponged herself through the store lavishing herself with the rich fabrics and the sleek designs; I, on the other hand,- awkwardly stood to the side, following a few steps behind the girls, keeping my head down, fiddling with my fingers or strings from my clothes, doing anything to shoo away the most uncomfortable knot that sat in the pit of my stomach.
I'm twice the size of these girls, I've never even considered going into Victoria Secret let alone actually looking at their products. But soon enough Hilah was leading me around the store blindly asking me non-sensical questions like "Have you tried this bra?" "Have you ever worn this style panty?" etc etc. I answered the only way I had ever answered those kind of questions before, "no".
"What do you mean?" Hilah pressed (as Hilah does).
"I've never owned anything like this before", I shyly ducked behind a display case.
"Well, then we'll just have to get you sized",- and that's where it began, and then ended twenty minutes later with me leaving the store with my very first Victoria Secret bra and my very first pair of lace panties....I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
I learned to love them though- feeling like a "women", (what ever that means) when I wore them.
But I was still the same, insecure, unsure, and self-concious, plus-size girl I had been all the time before. It's hard to hide your size when you're sitting in a girls row of size 4-or-less girls; you're kind of the weed in a sea of wildflowers, and a simple set of undergarments wasn't going to change that.
But the other night, in the midst of usual Saturday Night Scene chaos, all of which includes me dashing through the back doors of the MacStage, grabbing my dress and leggings that I was supposed to have on in less then a song, and making the almost impossible wardrobe change in the moldy cramped bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the yellowing mirror that hung above the glass sink, and I saw someone I don't remember seeing before. That day I happened to wear my matching bra and panties, and while pulling and tossing clothes to and from the counter, off and then on my body, I saw- the full hips of a woman, a waist not depicted by a size based on media, strong arms molded by the industrious world, hands beautifully calloused from years of pencil pushing, thighs that were thick and full of elegance, a face full in bloom with confidence and spotless with enchantment- I saw her there in the mirror for just that second- a glimpse into someone that was hiding behind this bulky ill fitted form. She might of been there for a moment, or maybe I made her up in my imagination, but I look back on her memory and remind myself often that "Charm is decietful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised" (Prov 31:30), and just hope that everyone remembers that when they see me enter the room.
Thanks for letting me share.
-Kaylee Gemm Johnson.
lady this was a great and uplifting blog! I love how the perfectly fitted to your own body shape matching under garment set can make us feel so much better about our selves... careful though it can become a dangerous addiction har har ! love u just the way u missy !
ReplyDeletelove al
oh dear I was worried there would be a picture of said undergarments! hahaha... wowza. Okay first of all my love. You are far too hard on yourself, perhaps hilah is a size 4 (she's also 5"1) but septembre wore a size 14 last time she spoke to me. and um silly girl, you may be "plus size" in this stupid generation that makes an 8 "plus size" but you are a beautiful, curvy, delicous little package any guy would love to um..marry.
ReplyDeleteso. thats pretty explicit, but I want you to get the point that you are not a "big girl". I've truly never even considered you in that regard, if anything you fall into the average catergory. I've realized as a female, we are tragically hard on ourselves, and the mirror we look in usually reflects a horribly incorrect image of what is reality.
Miss G.E.M.M, you are simply that. A gem in a world of pebbles, NOT a weed in a field of wildflowers...you are a wildflower as well..I think you'd be a tulip. beautifully shaped, surprisingly colorful, oddly fragile and yet captures so much joy in its pretty little self.
moral of the story? you are your own worst critic.and to quote the wonderful Theodore Roosevelt,
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
Best friend
ReplyDeleteI first off I want to tell you that you are a beautiful and worthy young woman off God, and "You grown, you dont need to order off the kids menu anymore" (TOBY K). Genisis 1:27 says " And God preceeded to create man in his image, in Gods image he created him, male and female he created them". You know what that means, You are exactly how God wanted you to be. When I look at you I see Beautiful flower, I see radiance that can brighten up an entire room, I see a conservative young curvy thang :) The world may categorize beauty with a measuring band, but true beauty comes from the Creator, and darling you come from the hands of our creator, which means you are beyond amazingly beautifull and yes I spelled it with two "ll's".
- Keep shining-