I can't sleep. I've been up all night tossing and turning, playing music, sitting on the floor starring at the shadows on the walls, I've been stretching my legs and then laying as still as possible, eyes stapled shut trying to force myself into sleep. No use. So I decided to blog.
I've been thinking a lot latley. Struggling a lot too. This morning I finally broke down. I got home after work sometime around 6:30am and called my best friend; with her "hello" came a flood of tears. The devil has been relentless latley. I'm in a constant mind battle. His tactics, oh, they make me so mad! His cruelness and hatred is sometimes so overwhelming. I've been the product of major self condemnation.
Within the last few weeks I've literally hated myself at a constant. Everything about me. Me as a human, as a Christian, as a woman, as a me...I've hated it all inside and out. And that's not God. I read through my last post and I can hear the desperation in my voice. To have God close by again. To remember what is feels like to know who and what my Savior is because for so long I've been away from him. I pray and read and pray and pray and pray...but nothing. I was so scared, so very scared that I no longer knew my God, the one I want to be the closest to, the one I love with all my heart and soul; that I had some how fallen away through the struggles of past distractions and satan's blows.
I hadn't though Tate reminded me. "The devil can not get in between you and God, there's nothing for him to get in between of", she said with so much sureness. A sureness that I had some how lost along the way.
I tried fighting this battle all on my own. Casting down the devil, binding him in the most Holy of chains, but so often my doubt got the better of me handing the lock and key back over to my enemy. Oh, the devil! He is so stupid! And pompous! Ignorant! Ridiclous! Absolutley irratating!! I can't wait to see him burn, to fall off his high horse, land at the feet of Jesus and tremble in fear.
The audicity of him to dare take me away from my God, to take me away from my destiny, the absolute absurdity of him. He makes me so frustrated sometimes.
But we will get the victory and that is what keeps me going, and I am going, all the way to the end of it all and more. I'm stronger than the devils smoke and mirrors. I'm greater than his lies. I am a child of God, a Princess in his sight, a mighty warrior, a redeemed.
Tonight at the concert, Untold Stories did a song called Who Am I Living For by Katy Perry that I had never heard. I went home and listened to the actual song, and it's crazy the power that this song has. It explains it all. The fight of the Christian. The battle of the Chosen. The tug on the heart strings of the Called. I've posted some of the lyrics below and I encourage you to take a listen to the actual song.
I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah
I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross too bare
But I will get there
It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah
So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that’s the price
It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the frontline when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name
I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?
-Toby K.
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