Eventful Days, Eventful Mind.

Many things have happened in that last ten days or so. I've been slacking on my updating my blog and I can defentley feel impact it has had on me.
Where do I begin? Well, let's start from the beginning, that seems logical. On Wednesday I walked into the dentist office anxious and perplexed, and walked out sporting a brane new set of sharp, gum cutting braces. My teeth are still sore despite the fact I had them put on almost a week ago.
That Thursday I did a rotation at the Willamette Hospital and was allowed to witness a C-section and a live birth within one six-hour span. I was blown away by how blessed I was to see these two events played out. It was so amazing that no words can describe how I felt after. Later that day I went to a prayer meeting and after about forty minutes of prayer a group of us went over to Abel's house to celebrate his thiry-forth Birthday. We played a game of scrabble and the noise level rose continually as the game advanced on debates of made-up words and correct spellings.
On Friday I went over to the O'halloran's for dinner and fellowship, later to find out that it was Pastor's birthday and as seeing that only a few party goers were aware of this Pastor left with only minor gifts. I do believe he enjoyed it though. Oh, but I did forget to mention that earlier that Friday morning, I entered into another dentist office and left with two teeth extracted. So medicated and oblivious I delighted in sitting in the O'halloran's living room listening to conversations and laughing with friends.
The next morning I awoke bright and early ready for the all day outreach that we had prepared. Prayer met at ten and outreach started at ten-thirty. We had two guerrilla teams come in from Portland and Beaverton. During outreach I didn't pray with anyone, but I did get some refreshing witnessing out of my system. For the latter half of the day I joined the Portland team during outreach and spent a majority of my day with two of there girls, Emma and Sherstan. They were immensly kind and fun to spend time with. The concert, I felt, was phenomenal and the skit I thought went well. I, myself, played the Christian, but I enjoyed it. I think playing the sinner is a harder task than playing the Christian. Daniel said I did good even though I did forget some of the things he wanted me to say, but he said that I still got all the major points across.
The next day, Sunday, came quick but not quick enough. We began revival with Jerry Fussel and it will go on every night through this Wednesday. God has been giving me some revelations latley, but some have come more clearer than others. Well for the most part, none of them have come in too clearly. Maybe what I'm hearing or seeing is truely what God is speaking to me, but because it is not what I've been wanting to hear I've decided to discredit it. My confliction over the past few days has grown stupendously, and my emotions have seemed to override my entire system. My priorities have changed direction, and that has worried me, not the fact that they have changed but how in such a short amount of time they have. I will keep praying and praying, for I know that God's will will be done despite my ever changing mind.
-Toby K.

The Stars Are In My Hands, My hands Are In God's

Today I'm exhibiting traits, that of a cliche teenager. That fact alone send shivers up my back, warm and delicate. That back, made warm with today's wonderous heat. A warmth so sweet and gentle, I can feel it consuming me. Every time I cross by an open window I am blessed with the warm breeze and the sounds of people who have wondered out to enjoy this unfamiliar February day. I want to bask in the sun forever. I want to lay beneath a tree, read a book, talk to someone I love, share a drink while sitting on a bench in the center of town, eat a strawberry. I want to enjoy this day, unlike yesturday, which was a day almost wasted by my emotions and exhaustion. I sat outside with half my feet on the chilled cemet and by rump on the carpet of my house. Leaning against the sliding glass door I hummed to myself and closed my eyes. I saw red as the sun's light still found it's way past my eye-lids. I watched as my cat danced in the overgrown grass, and rolled in the dirt looking back at me after every turn. "Stuart," I called when he decided that our yard was not good enough for him; I don't mind interupting his explorations as long as I am keeping him safe, he'll thank me later.
Today I appeared to be something of a chaser. I wanted to chase my friends all over town just to get their attention, just to make them notice that I had nothing to do. My chasing ended in a void, and I still ended up sitting at my house playing a card game with my Mother. I didn't mind, I was actually suprised when she looked over from the couch, "Let's play cards. Remember that game we played a few weeks back, lets play that?". I smiled and grabbed some snacks, a couple chilled soda's, and two decks of cards. We shuffled the blues and red together, then after left them scattered on the table for later pick-up. I enjoyed winning as well, I made a late comeback, but beat her 120 to 150. A sweet success indeed.
Today prior to playing cards with my mother, I went on outreach. I led to girls in a prayer, and my legs felt like jello when I walked away. Ashley and I engaged in some interesting conversation with a buddhist; we did not get our point's across to say the least, but we walked away with one more person witnessed to.
Last night driving home from bible study, I sang in the car to the song "Kiss me" by the Cranberries and daydreamed about my wedding. I felt thirteen all over again, and wasn't ashamed. Inside I think we are all emotional thirteen year old's, struggling with hormones and emotions. Every now and then we must drift back to that inorder to see how far we've come, even if it's just singing along with a four minute song on the car ride home.
On Thursday I saw the stars, I wanted to grab them and hold them so tight. I wanted to let them trickle through my fingers and I wanted to blow kisses to the moon. If only I could fly, just for the night; only me, God, and the sky, for however long we wanted. Laughing and crying, sharing and telling secret's, talking and listening, nothing more than sitting in a crater staring at the earth, it staring back at us. We would have the advantage, we would have the luxury of watching the greens and blues mix together in a blunder of clouds. But it would end sooner or later, maybe after hours, days, or even weeks, and I would have to float back to earth and not be able to express in words my experience with God and the universe. I would cry, tears of joy, for I know that even after that, I would see him again, standing by his gates shaking hands like a welcoming pastor. I love my God, and I know he loves me. We fly together, we laugh together, we love together; forever, together, all through eternity.
-Toby K.

A Life Lost To Bad Decisions

Today was a very busy day for me, I was running all over town. My first stop was the hospital where we finally had our orientation. It was nice to take a tour through the hospital, and upon leaving I already knew that I am going to get lost; after a few more times through, I should get the hang of it though. After leaving the hospital I began driving home, debating on whether or not I wanted to go to my afternoon class. Shortly before turning into my neighborhood I decided to head towards the school, despite the only forty minutes of class remaining. I walked into the school wearing a newly wrinkled pair of black scrubs and squeakingly stalked the hallways until I made it into my class and gladly entered seemingly unnoticed. My professor, Madam Zimmerman, made a reference to a man that she once lived with while spending time in France, and she said that the last time she visited France, he had recently bought one peice of land near his residence that would now be coined a ruin which contained an oubliette.
For a bizzare reason this miniscule piece of information really struck me.
I sat in class, jotting notes, sparsely listening, and my mind kept trailing back to this idea of owning a oubliette. Could one imagine, walking through this tunnel sort of enclosing and staring into what appears to be a cell and not attempt to consider the people that once sat inside? This led me to thinking about all the other tragedies that humans have had to endure.
There is a song out, it might have been released a few years back, and one of the lines states "No one's laughing at God on the day they realize the last sight they'll ever see's a pair of hateful eyes". Take that in for a second, absorb the magnitude of that line..."the last sight they'll ever see's a pair of hateful eyes".
Now, I have never been beaten, or abused, or put into a situation that even amounts to anything remotely close to the degree of torture that people on this earth have had to endure, because of simple hate that someone has held against them. I don't want to live a day where I am forced to.
Then that got me thinking about the tortures that await after death. The tortures that await all those who have decided to live a life that goes against God, their creator. How can people be so defiant against the one person who put them into existance, when our one and only purpose on this earth is to serve him?
Then that thought led me to this one; how is that we can let work, and school, and family, and friends, all get in the way of us spending time with God, when spending time with God is all that we are meant to do? Now, I cannot say that I have not let life get in between me and God, because I have, we all have, and we will all continue doing that; I just wanted to put this into perspactive, so that the next time your forced to choose between going to work, or going to church, you will think about your true purpose.
My life seems to weigh down on me more when I am away from God for long periods of a time; I cannot imagine what it would be like to die and be away from him forever, in a place where their sole purpose is to torture you. We all choose our destiny, we all make the decisions, why must you make the ones that will send you to hell?
-Toby K.

Febuary 4th, 2010

Today I am going out with the gals for one last Who-Raw with Susan Mammen. We will miss her and Pastor quite terribly. I still have a page to decorate for her tribute scrap book, and I have just over two hours before we head off to Portland.
Through this transition (much like Casey Mammen suggested) I have learned a lot about myself in the eye's of God, he has taught me many things within these last few weeks. I will never understand his logic, or why out of the six billion other people on this planet he chooses to listen to my measly prayers. But the silly thing is that he does, and he not only listens but responds. His latest message which came last night through Abel and I believe Illy's mother, said that many hard times are to come, and many judgements are to be made, but only through him can we make it. We must rely, we must pray, we must depend.
He is our God, why is he often the person we choose to depend the least on?
He told me last night to try harder...I know what I must do to fulfill his wishes, I must pray more, and stop pushing him away by filling my ever growing schedule with more pointless actions. This is what he is teaching me, these are his commands, this is why I must listen, because he is my God, he is my father, he is my savior.
-Toby K.