Set Fire To The Rain.

This is me dancing in white, circling and circling around and round till the wild flowers dizzy and faint. This is me laying chin deep in a porcelin tub, surrounded by lit candles and creamy drapes, the scent of lavender dripping from my wet finger tips as they hang over the glossy edge. This is me on a floral couch, legs crossed, toes tapping to the beats that quietly take over the room, outside the window is green acreage as far as the eye can see. This is me on the streets of the city, heels clicking rhythms behind me, the moon radiating heat above me, my hair skips beats on my shoulders, the night passes by like the car lights from the road. This is me in a maroon cushioned chair, fans blowing on my cheeks, thin white leather bound pages lightly russle in my lap and the ring on my finger slips to my knuckle, as I adjust it I think back on our memories lullaby. This is me with a whole lot more of me further down the road...
-Toby K.

My Latest Obsession.

I've watched these two videos, what seems like, a million times in the last two days. Cried and cried and cried. This little girl is so amazing, so so so amazing. I'm not sure what more there is to say about her, you'll just have to watch.




Get the tissues ready for this one, believe me, you'll want them.

Little Chunk Munsters.

I've been looking around latley. Looking at my friends all getting married and having babies, or if they already have babies, wanting more. I look at all them and want that too. Why can't I just look at someone and just know...know that we're meant to be together forever and ever- "I do". But I know it will never come that easy, I do have some realism left in me. I just look around at these chubby faced chunks that bounce on the knees of stray teenagers and wonder about the little chuncks I will have to bounce around, or will I even have any for that matter? I pray all the time, about my life, about a lot of things.
I pray for my husband, that if he's not saved, he'd get saved quick and that if he is already saved, that God will just bless him and guide him in everything he does. I pray for my children, that I would be equipped to raise them, instill in them the word of God, that they would grow strong and live only in the will of God. I pray that I will guide them well. I pray for our marriage to be stable, for my family to be strong. I pray for these things all the time.
Then I remember- I'm so young! I'll be out of the house before I turn 19 and I'm barely keeping my job schedule on track. I have an almost non-exsistant savings account and I don't even have a car. I'll be living on my own in less then two months! I think I have enough on my plate, why would I want to throw a husband into that equation?- no answer for that one. Maybe in a few years when my life is a little more sorted. For now I'll bounce those little chunks on my knee and thank God that I can hand them back to their parents at the end of the day.
-Toby K.

The Oxymorones!

We are The Oxymorones. We're just about the coolest most awesome skit team you've seen this side of Heaven.
I love us.
I love that we fight through a majority of all the things we do. I love that we laugh through it all. I love that we've all fallen in love with the little pieces of wood and nails and carpet that create our stage. That we all know and appreciate the rush and excitment that happens right before the curtain opens. That we dance and jump and sing outreageously loud back stage as the band plays beside us. I love that without God we'd be nothing, but with God, we've been able to move on the lives of sinners, change the minds of the rebelious, focus the hearts of the wandering. We've silenced a packed room and uproared the house with laughter. 
We've moved on this little city and have challenged others far beyond our four walls.
Skit has creeped and crawled its way into each of our lives, welcomed or not, and has made home in our hearts.
It just feels like home.

One Period.

Latley I purse my lips a lot, tilt my head to one side when I'm listening or thinking, (or thinking while I should be listening), sing in my tongues, listen to sad songs on purpose, draw still-lifes at work, clean my house a bit too much, wear sweatshirts and grey ankle boots often, stare into the sun a little too long, take pictures on the side's of roads, forget my words, think about this up and coming November, think about the summer time and the time I will not be able to spend in Prescott, think about moon hanging down low over the hills surrounding us, plump and full dripping out stars like juice from it's busting seams; I think of my family of blood not shared, their compassion and ever watchful eyes, their comfort and grace towards my ever failing flesh, I think of their hearts full of fire illuminating bright like a distant torch signaling the oncoming battle- the battle they have been fighting before my time had began; I think of the ones I will miss if I were ever to leave, the ones I would cry over, the ones I would call without second thought; I wonder about the years close to come, falling onto eachother as they pile in a line before me, dauntingly and silent they sit waiting- forever waiting; I rehearse scripture in my mind, stare into the faces of stangers I pass through a wet mist of the fog as we walk the cold and murky streets, read their hearts as they pass, asking in my heart if they were alike me, wondering if they were waiting on the King above all kings, or if in their heart was a sufferage, a weight, a dark and sinister power that grip tight, sufficating all it's love letting it die and exude slow and painful...if their hearts were not alike mine; these things I think of so often, perform so often, experience so often, and so often I wonder how many times a day I say the word "I" instead of the word "Him".
-Toby K.

"If you like your ministry, then you must not be minisitering"...

      So lets give some updates shall we? Right now we are in revival with Alvin Smith, this radical-contagious-soulful-singer-preacher type. He's amazing! And Black! He literally sings throughout the entire sermon and during praise and worship he sings so loud from behind the song leader that you can hear him even into the 5th and 6th rows. During the sermons I find myself lurched forward in my seat digging my elbows into my knees as if getting any closer could make the annointing any stronger...He's practically the definition of supernatural.
       Anyways. About two or three weeks ago Ashley invitied these two girls out (I think), but they've been coming ever since. They're 14 and 10. They come to the concerts and atleast every night service. They even came to two outreaches and LOVE IT. They are so into everything, love God and aren't ashamed. Now granted they are young and defentley New Convert status so they have a lot to learn but they are defentley open to letting God use them. They have brought up to 5 visitors at one time to the concerts, and bring friends to church almost everytime. Jaime and Ash say that the girls have taken a liking to me, and I am defentley starting to see that. They practically flock me. I felt like a mother duck the other night, after service, the girls followed me single file (literally) throughout the entire church until I finally said "Okay, we're leaving, get your things".
        The first outreach they came to, I felt so bad---it was pouring down rain, and by pouring I mean rain was coming down in the droves. We were all soaked by the end of it, but the girls stuck through. The youngest, Lisa, was even asking why we don't do this in more public places, like pools, where we could just preach and sing and stuff. We assured her in the summer we do that much more often because the weather actually permits. Lisa is even anxious for ministry. She was itching to ask me about joining drama and is well determined to join Untold Stories, but she hasn't quite brought that one up to Ash or Jaime yet- Ha! You should of seen the look on her face when we broke it to her that she has to be coming consecutively for atleast six months to join ministry. She was so disappointed and talks about it all the time, about how she cannot wait for these six months to pass. I just laugh and assure her that they will, "believe me kid, they will, faster than you know".
      But a sermon by Pastor Smith defentley dealt with me concerning these kids. I really like them a lot, they are funny and nice- but they're so young. And yes I know that I am practically a bottle of uncontained energy and can usually be confused with a prepubescent teenager, but I am ubdoubtedly older. It has defentley taken a lot for me to remain nice---all the time. That dosen't sound so hard when said, but to actually do that is so difficult. I can't just act nonchalant around them like I do with my friends, I have to maintain this constant level of - happy. But Pastor Smith was talking about the powers of the Holy Spirit, and he said "it gives us the ability to deal with people"...and that is true! I've defenetley been asking for major grace towards these kids because I didn't realize before how hard it truely is to be a disciple in this sense of the word.
      I like it though, it's good for me. I love ministry, but so often in ministry I simply must do things I don't want to do...and this just happens to be one of those instances.
-Toby K.

For The Eyes of Women Only.

So, this is defentley a more personal Toby K. blog, but it's been on my mind so I thought I'd share it. Luckily most of my followers are women, which is good, but if you're not a woman and reading this, I would ask that you please skip this blog and read onto one of the many other blog posts that I have in assorted blog library I have listed on this page.
So- (back story to the actual story), a few weeks ago I was with some of my wonderful girlfriends, Hilah and Septembre (and later on Nikki), and we were at Washington Square Mall doing some (last-minute) christmas shopping. Having Hilah on board we were somehow bound to wind up in Victoria Secret, where Septembre moseyed through racks and Hilah ping-ponged herself through the store lavishing herself with the rich fabrics and the sleek designs; I, on the other hand,- awkwardly stood to the side, following a few steps behind the girls, keeping my head down, fiddling with my fingers or strings from my clothes, doing anything to shoo away the most uncomfortable knot that sat in the pit of my stomach.
I'm twice the size of these girls, I've never even considered going into Victoria Secret let alone actually looking at their products. But soon enough Hilah was leading me around the store blindly asking me non-sensical questions like "Have you tried this bra?" "Have you ever worn this style panty?" etc etc. I answered the only way I had ever answered those kind of questions before, "no".
"What do you mean?" Hilah pressed (as Hilah does).
"I've never owned anything like this before", I shyly ducked behind a display case.
"Well, then we'll just have to get you sized",- and that's where it began, and then ended twenty minutes later with me leaving the store with my very first Victoria Secret bra and my very first pair of lace panties....I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
I learned to love them though- feeling like a "women", (what ever that means) when I wore them.
But I was still the same, insecure, unsure, and self-concious, plus-size girl I had been all the time before. It's hard to hide your size when you're sitting in a girls row of size 4-or-less girls; you're kind of the weed in a sea of wildflowers, and a simple set of undergarments wasn't going to change that.
But the other night, in the midst of usual Saturday Night Scene chaos, all of which includes me dashing through the back doors of the MacStage, grabbing my dress and leggings that I was supposed to have on in less then a song, and making the almost impossible wardrobe change in the moldy cramped bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the yellowing mirror that hung above the glass sink, and I saw someone I don't remember seeing before. That day I happened to wear my matching bra and panties, and while pulling and tossing clothes to and from the counter, off and then on my body, I saw- the full hips of a woman, a waist not depicted by a size based on media, strong arms molded by the industrious world, hands beautifully calloused from years of pencil pushing, thighs that were thick and full of elegance, a face full in bloom with confidence and spotless with enchantment- I saw her there in the mirror for just that second- a glimpse into someone that was hiding behind this bulky ill fitted form. She might of been there for a moment, or maybe I made her up in my imagination, but I look back on her memory and remind myself often that "Charm is decietful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised" (Prov 31:30), and just hope that everyone remembers that when they see me enter the room.
Thanks for letting me share.
-Kaylee Gemm Johnson.